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This board is multifaceted, crossing various topics from New Age, spirituality, metaphysical, psychology, physical issues, relationships, emotions, self-help and more. It is created for those who seek change and desire to empower themselves, to live life as an expression of who they really are in unconditional love. If you think/feel that your life and this world full of denial, fear and unlovingness is totally opposite what you desire, it is no coincidence that you are here.

To say that this board will be controversial is an understatement as it goes against almost everything society presently believes to be true about emotions, feelings, life and love. But then why wouldn't it be controversial if the desire and goal is the opposite of what is presently being experienced! To empower yourself, you need to be open to challenge everything you believe to be true, especially about love, life, emotions and feelings and also be willing to end your denials of self.

I openly share the knowledge, tools, messages and insights that I've gained through sixteen years of intensive personal experience and in working with others on their journey. Feel free to visit the various forums and posts and to also add your personal experiences, comments and questions. It is my intent that the ideas and works that will be discussed within this forum will not only expand your consciousness, but also activate your emotions and touch your heart.

In love, light and life,
John Rieger aka Shenreed

| My Profile | | My Manuscript | | Saysame | | My Blogs | | THC - Tribe | | shenreed---at---yahoo.com |







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Healing and Healing process at hand


jannokas (9/21/06 7:11 pm)
Healing


This is my request to you, dear John...please help me heal. I feel very very angry about the way my mother treated me, when i was a child. She abused me in ways unimaginable to a civilized mind - throwing knives at me, telling me to go out in the cold (when it was snowing) with no coat on...freezing to death and to see her boyfriend that she was having issues with and tell him to come back to her...she told me to go 'out there' and find my own place to live, while i was only 14...

How do i go about this whole thing?

I read your blog and i know you are the right person to understand me. I am sick of denial...i don't wanna give away my power to Daal and Brahma (who are they?)...

Janno


shenreed (9/21/06 9:12 pm)
Re: Healing


I not only hear and feel your anger and rage, but also your heartbreak... And yes, I can help you... help yourself... I going to give you another link called "A level of Healing" from my manuscript that I feel you need to read to prepare you for where you have to go...

Baal and Brahma are a couple of Lucifers henchmen (Demons). I can't remember which one is which in this moment, but one is the collector of souls and the other tries to re-program us if we try to break free. I have basic info on them and 25 -30 others that have been confronting me as I'm doing all this work but it's still packed up in the back of my truck. I'll give you more info when I unpack them.

I also suggest that if you aren't already doing so, to begin keeping a journal and to not only write down your feelings and emotions, but to also express them in the moment you are feeling them, and feel comfortable and safe enough to do so.

You have a big heart and it takes courage and love to face your fears and not to run away and deny them. I'm happy to have met you and even happier to now get the chance to know the REAL you...

Reed
"Healing begins in the Heart"


jannokas (9/22/06 2:50 pm)
Healing process at hand...


To be absolutely honest i thought you were gonna tell me that i'm mad and that i need a psychiatrist...so things have taken yet another unexpected turn.
I did start a journal some 8 months ago, but haven't been very keen on writing all my feelings down. At first it was very interesting, but then i got a little bit un-inspired because of what a lonely endeavour it was, i had no one to share all my deep feelings with, now i have my partner, but he hasn't got much of that spiritual bone in him... It's a superb idea to keep a jornal, it also means taking responsibility for my REAL actions and that can be quite daunting, but as long as i have your guidance i'm very happy to do it. I've got a few short stories in my 'journal' (jannokas.wordpress.com) Jannokas Blog that are quite rude...just warning you

Thank you dear John!

Your student,

Janno
Edited by: jannokas at: 9/22/06 2:56 pm





Last edited by shenreed, 3/Oct/2006, 4:48 pm
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Jannokas Blog -- 22nd of September 2006 Catching up


Jannokas Blog

{September 23, 2006} Friday 23rd of Sept.

22nd of September 2006

Catching up

Back to square one. I have been 500 000 miles out of my own body, circling the outer space… Finally I’m back here…now.

A few days ago I was overwhelmed by very powerful emotions, which indicated the end to my mind-oriented life. Up to this day I have been living somewhere inside my mind…but it has proved unsafe there. I’m so sick and tired of always worrying about the future and that constant feeling of anxiety and thinking that the end of the world is just around the next corner.

 

Since we moved to
England with Steve I have not been very concerned with social life. I haven’t spent any time at all trying to find mates or at least somehow fit into this society here.
Eastbourne is considered the most peaceful South-coast town in
England. Indeed it is…except for those party-goers making noise in the back street on Wednesdays and Saturdays and Sundays. All of my efforts have been focused on music. It’s been music all along. The sad thing is…I’m alone in this music thing. I have no one my age to share my musical impressions with. NO ONE L … I thought that when I practise piano hard enough, someday someone will come along that is as much into music as I am and we will have fun together. It hasn’t happened. I only have my piano teacher Audrey and my harmony teacher Dr Sherlock and Jenny, with whom I have the chance to play piano duets with. I haven’t had the courage to do it with her. I get very nervous around her. She is quite and Earthy person, but there is something quite dark about her. Not that she is mean or anything, but my aura just doesn’t agree with hers.

 

I was very miserable when we had to leave the house to come to the flat above the
Athens restaurant. Life was very peaceful in the Willingdon road house. We had a garden there to look after and it was always fun cleaning up the house and cooking and watching telly and sitting in the garden… But it was also very boring. Not that I didn’t appreciate the comforts, but life seemed to be in a standstill, when living there. I didn’t feel at all inspired to go find a job nor did I even feel like wanting to move on with my life. I felt depression most of the time. I felt scared. I felt like I was a big fat zero and no one wanted me. I felt terrified to leave the house to go to the music school, but I knew I had to…I had to break out of this horrible routine I had gotten myself into. I didn’t know that life ‘could be better’. I didn’t know that it is possible to solve life’s problems and meet new friends and actually enjoy life.

 

As soon as we moved to the restaurant flat by the seafront, my life has been a constant turmoil. There have been pleasant changes and also those very, very painful changes. It was a beautiful warm time, when we moved here. It was the beginning of July and the beginning of a new chapter in my life. The first thing I did as we got here was that I went on the roof, where there is a breath-taking view of
Eastbourne and the Sea, and had a cigarette. There were a whole load of seagulls there with me…staring at me…’bah-gwack’, they said. The first most spiritual moment during this new time happened, when I went down on the beach. I brought with me my cd-player with E. Satie Gymnopedie playing on it. Suddenly I realized life wasn’t as hard as I thought it was. I saw myself as a spiritual animal of some sorts staring at the sky and listening to music that brought about the stillness in me. I realized – hey, I have got a pair of legs, hands, ears, I could hear music, I could feel the sea breeze, I could feel my emotions and I could see the seagulls riding the wind, I could feel the pebbles under my feet – all of it was real and very, very present. I saw myself in a new light. Suddenly I felt newly inspired to get my life moving once again. I got myself a job in a convenience store as a cashier. I felt quite worried about working and having to keep up with music all the while, but Steve implied I would find this experience very useful. So I chose to do it. It hasn’t been at all easy. Once I worked 8 hours in a row…with feelings of depression while being at it…and I came home feeling suicidal and I cried and cried… I felt that was the end of my life. But the next morning I woke up fine. Suddenly I was ok. It was a very scary thing meeting all these new people. I put up a tough front. I pretended I was fine. But there were actual moments, while working, when I couldn’t contain my feelings any longer and I broke down in front of all these people waiting in the cue. It felt as though time had stopped. I felt panic. Fear. This must have been the worst experience I had there. But somehow things went quite smoothly from there on. I became closer with the people I was working with. It has been a very social period in my life. Constantly working with people. Now we are leaving to
Cyprus with Steve. I worked in Spar about a month altogether. I plan continuing it as we get back from
Cyprus. To come to think about it…it’s worrying thinking about it. What will become of me? How do I realize myself in the music area? Until then I will simply meditate away. It has been rather useful so far.

 

Recently I got back into my spiritual self. I discovered Lisa M. Gawlas’s e-book about spirituality and it was enough to inspire me to start meditating again. I did do slight meditations earlier in my life, but I wasn’t at all very persistent on it. I couldn’t see the benefits of it at the time…I was too young. Now I have joined the spiritual community forum and I also met John Reed, who helped me to realize that I have serious childhood issues that I haven’t dealt with. I never even realized. I have lived in a lot of denial so far. I have not allowed myself to be free to feel my emotions. John has activated that side of me and I’m planning to take this further.

 

Today

I woke up in the bedroom today. Early in the morning I moved from the living room, where I normally sleep, into the bedroom, because there are good blinds in there, which keep the light away. I felt very extreme anxiety this morning. The morning before I felt an even more anxious feeling of some sorts. It felt as though…what is this body that I inhabit??? And this body didn’t feel at all comfortable to wear. I have been getting these very vivid insights in the mornings, but sadly they only last until the morning coffee and then I get into my every day routines. I have been going through some serious awareness issues recently. Especially at night. Two days ago, when John first implied that I might have issues with one of my parents, I broke down in feelings of dread. I tried to contain those feelings, but I simply couldn’t. They were too real. I meditated on them and suddenly I started crying…I felt so sad. Sad about what a miserable childhood I led. I was only an innocent child. I did no harm to no one, but my mother treated me as though I was a mistake…and that’s what’s she called me a lot of times. She said to me that all of her family didn’t want me there. I shouldn’t have been born. The only happy times were, when I got away from her and went to Kallaste, where my grandmother lives and where I have a step-brother, Sasha and his mom, my dad’s wife, Lyudmilla, a wonderful mother to have. My dad lives there too, but he spent most of the time away, working in
Tartu. So I was free to enjoy myself by the shores of the
Lake Peipus. Life was good there. I felt love there. But during school I had live in
Tartu with my mother. Those were the darkest times of my young life. My brother lived there, too, but he was on and off, because he was smart enough to try and live a life separate from my mother, whom I constantly counselled thinking that’s what I had come here to do. She never responded to me with the same amount of love. She was concerned with her relationships. She was too busy worrying about herself…I just happened to be there.

 

Today I meditated for about 40 minutes and then turned my attention to my piano and have been composing all day. I feel very emotional today like always, but today I feel more off balance than usual. I was knocked off my perch by John, when he reminded me that there are issues to be dealt with. So far I had been very comfortable being the way I was. I am not comfortable with the person I am right now. I am not who I should be. Who am I anyways? I will meditate on this. Last night’s meditation gave me powerful insights into what is going on. I felt my real presence and not in an imagined body…but in a real body….in real time…in real space. I suddenly thought…hang on a minute here – who fills the void inside my body? Well who else but me??? I am here! Right here…inside my nose…inside my arms…inside my brain…inside my intestines…inside my legs…inside my heart…inside my butt…inside my fingers. I am that light which fills all of it. I am here. I have also come to realize that my body has got limits. It has a beginning and an end.

 

Right I’m going to meditate, because I feel a lot of cravings that I think I need to learn to handle a little better. I feel like having a cigarette, but I won’t. I won’t allow myself that. Maybe later. Not now though!

 

1.01 am

I just had a bath and rubbed body lotion on me. I took the bath with the Aloe Vera bath foam, it was rather refreshing. I also breathed in the white light and tried to achieve a state of relaxation. I realized I have too many anger issues. I asked Steve to be understanding and listen to me, when I’m having one of my episodes. He didn’t seem to care, so I punched my fist against the table. I let some steam out, but somehow it didn’t feel like a release, but rather like madness. I felt as though I was behaving like a twat. He doesn’t seem very eager to come along with me on this journey of self discovery. I explained to him that none of this is directed at him, but it’s happening next to him, in his loving presence. I don’t want in no way for him to think that I’m letting my anger out on him. If he loves me, he will understand, but he said to me that my behaviour is unacceptable. That saddens me. I feel a bit hopeless about this healing process. It doesn’t seem to be going anywhere at all. I will meditate once more tonight after 2 am. My body awareness has risen, I’m certainly more aware of the fact that I’ve got my insides such as my heart, my intestines…my muscles.

 

I feel a lot of doubt. I’m worried about my piano skills development. I should dedicate more of my time for practising scales. I have a few pieces at hand right now that I need to practise with more attention to detail. I also feel that meditation distances me from all of my duties. I might become so satisfied with myself that I start forgetting what I have to do. I have spent a lot of time meditating now. The benefits are beyond words, but I feel like I’m missing out on a lot of piano practise. The sound of reason is telling me…all in good time. I will listen to that voice, meanwhile I will meditate.

 

I live at night. I feel much more relaxed at night. Especially after I’ve taken a bath. It’s been a tiring day and finally I will get some rest. During the day I feel very anxious and worried about everything. When we leave the house to go downtown with Steve I seem to almost forget that I am a worthy human being. Being around strangers I get very shy and worried about what they think of me. Do they think that I’m a nobody, because I don’t look confident? Do they see me as ugly and horrible and someone, whose face they just wouldn’t like to see in town? I feel rather terrified of looking people in the face, because they might become spooked of my presence…I don’t know what the hell that’s all about, but that’s how I feel. I feel that people would reject me because of how I look and the way I talk. These are the daytime worries. It’s a blur. It’s a rare thing for me to feel at peace with myself in a crowded place. A few days ago we went to
Brighton with Steve and I just got this horrible feeling that everyone in the street were looking at me and judging me and wishing I wasn’t there, just because the look of me was bringing them down…It’s a hopeless situation for me. There is just no love out there for me. The world rejected me the day I was born…why should it accept me now???

I will meditate on all of this. There is a great big lump in the flow of my feelings and it’s stopping positivity form flowing in. I am not seeing any love around me right now.
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3/Oct/2006, 3:24 pm Link to this post Send Email to shenreed   Send PM to shenreed Yahoo Blog
 
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Healing is never just one way...


shenreed (9/24/06 3:16 pm)
Healing is never just one way...


Hi,

Well now it's my turn to be activated.. Thanks

In another thread, you saying that I was a master didn't activate me, but you saying that you are my student did. I never thought of it that way and although I want to share what I have found and teach others how to also experience it for themselves, I never really felt the implications of that. Someone calling me a teacher doesn't get me going but someone saying they are a student does, as I feel that that implies that I am somehow responsible for their being able to absorb what I am sharing and that they can use the information to empower themselves. If they fail, I feel that means that I'm a failure in that I wasn't right, didn't say it right, and missed something so they didn't understand me and is the reason they failed..... Hummmm?

So what are the imprints, programs and beliefs that I still have that say that I'm responsible for anothers success and happiness if they put their trust in me... in my words.... in my ideals.... in my hopes dreams and desires for a New World?

Later, I was talking with my friend Jen on the phone and told her about this and as she was sharing what she was picking up, I was feeling all sorts of past life issues come up and I was becoming emotional.. feeling mainly heartbreak. Where I had the power to change what was, but I failed... and as a result, those that I was trying to help also experienced the unrealized ideas and it all went into lost hopes, dreams and desires. I failed for many reasons, but the most important one was my un-awareness of the power of my denials and what they were creating. In this life time I am becoming aware of the power of denial and its "negative" power to not create life, happiness joy, abundance, and peace, but rather to control, manipulate and ultimately destroy it bit by bit.

There's more.. a lot more.. but this is a start and I thank you for making me aware of yet another issue I was unaware of and that I need and want to heal...

So... thanks...... Teacher..

John
"Healing begins in the Heart"
Edited by: shenreed at: 9/24/06 3:17 pm

jannokas (9/24/06 5:01 pm)
Healing is never just one way...


Hey there!

Well you callig me a teacher activated me. I now feel the pressure of...what did i teach again? (i feel insecure about that 'position'). I feel safe when being a student. There is no responsibility in that...only to absorb everything coming my way! And if you were to say you're my student i would see that...indeed...he's a student. That's all. Nothing else to it.
Perhaps it's all about how we see ourselves?

You said - In this life time I am becoming aware of the power of denial and its "negative" power to not create life, happiness joy, abundance, and peace, but rather to control, manipulate and ultimately destroy it bit by bit.
- seems you are ever so close to your true purpose! I do envy that...
I feel quite nervous to ask this, because i feel that you will see me as silly and impatient, but do you think there is such a purpose to me, too, but i'm just not seeing it yet? I think i have something to do with speaking truth from the heart, 'even if it hurts'...

Your student/(teacher)
Janno

shenreed (9/24/06 6:56 pm)
Re: Healing is never just one way...


Speaking your truth from the heart never hurts.... it's not speaking that not only hurts but is also the silent killer. The hurt that one feels when the truth is finally spoken is the old "Heartbreak" of when we denied expressing ourselves our truth and instead, gave our power away to others.

You are my brother... and yes.. you and I have a similar purpose. You are awakening and can see and feel more than you believe you can... It's time to begin to challenge the illusions and those that call themselves love...

I wrote the following but never finished it as I had read your blog in the process, but I feel I need to post it now...

A couple of posts ago you said, "My mom was definitely the queen of cruelty and i'm seeing her everywhere really...always telling me not even dare to breath too hard, because she's having a bad day..." She was expecting you to "know" how to act around her and to mind read her thoughts and feelings and then to not activate her into anything unpleasant that she didn't want to be reminded of... If you did, you were bad and evil...

You had to deny yourself to please your mother... and that isn't love or loving to yourself and neither to your mother.... but.... as a child you had no choice and you innocently believed that you were responsible for her feelings and emotions and that if she was activated and feeling sad or horrible.. that you were the problem... and that is self-hatred...

Like you say, she was the cruel and heartless one, but she had you believe that it was you that was cruel, heartless and evil... Dah! Are you starting to see and feel how screwed up all this really is... and how we are imprinted and programmed to believe that evil is love and that love is evil... There is a saying that "opposites attract"... and now you know why. We search for and cling to what we falsely believe is love, but is in reality unlovingness disguised as love...
*******************************
I channeled a poem a few years back that says it all, it's called >>> Ignorance <<<

You fear what you do not know.
You protect what needs no protection.
You love what you fear
Yet fear what you love
and do not know the difference.
Some say ignorance is bliss.
Some say ignorance is Hell.

Soo Long

Channeled by John Rieger
a.k.a. “ShenReed” ’02 Jan. 8
*****************************
It's also important that you be aware... that you already realize that you are seeing her everywhere..... Meaning.... that she is a BIG issue in your life that you need to deal with and heal ...before you can move really move forward.. Your relationships are reflections of your unresolved issues with your mother...

In reading your blog, I don't even feel that you are really gay, but that you have this screwed up mental programming that activates you whenever any female does or says something that reminds you of your mother... It's OK if a man acts like your mother.... because he's a man... And speaking of men, where was your father in your childhood? And has the denied longing for your father and his affection and relationship also added to your programming and your present desires and attraction to men?

John
"Healing begins in the Heart"


jannokas (9/24/06 8:47 pm)
Healing is never just one way...


Maybe this upsets you (you consider it 'excuses'), but i just have to get it off my chest now while i still can. You know when reading your reply i felt like i wanted to run away and never to return...you have dedicated so much time for me and i just feel so unworthy. Especially you saying that i'm awakening...i feel all of that is such a good process of gods' and i - the bad, cruel, evil me - just don't deserve it. Like you said, the issue with my mom is indeed a LARGE issue, it needs to be dealt with right now! Somehow i feel this nagging voice in me telling me to let it go...not to bother it and so on...but i think i know what that is all about !

Everything you said about how i had to behave around my mother...you couldn't be any more right. That's exactly how it was. When being that young kid though...you just don't know that anything else is possible. I had no choice. There were times when i actually exploded with anger...and i told her what i thought of her behaviour, but you know...sadly...she's a nutcase, she never...never...reasoned me with during one of her epidoes. I never felt that maybe she was the reason of her own problems. Somehow it was always up to me to make her feel better. I had to study better in school, please everyone i met, because they might start talking about me and say - hey, he's not behaving very good and that would have meant bad reputation to my mother. What a sick and twisted world to live in!

My father wasn't present during ANY of the problems we faced with my mother and brother. He lived with my grandmother in a town nearby Tartu. I stayed my grandmother during holidays - as you can guess - that was heaven to me! And then i also hung out with my father, we did a lot together, he taught me to sing and urged me to be more social and outgoing... But that's all he was to me...just some fun guy that seemed to care a little bit. Someone that doesn't really stay in your life.
So i was always divided between these 2 world - my russian father (and all the russian community behind him) and my estonian mother - with a certain estonian community behind her (her friends that she used to drink with and have parties with in OUR HOME...). I never really communed with my mothers paretns...she had VERY serious issues with them!

I guess it's true...i find females intimidating...i just don't see the need for them on this planet. I haven't experienced much warmth from them...except for my grandmo, but she doesn't seem like a female...rather someone without a sexual nature you know.
You said -
In reading your blog, I don't even feel that you are really gay, but that you have this screwed up mental programing that activates you whenever any female does or says something that reminds you of your mother...

Can i ask you what you mean by that you don't feel that i'm gay? Do you mean gay in it's literal meaning? LOL i am FAAAARR from gay in that case!!!

I think the longing for a father has definitely added to my desire for men! You know, living with my mother...i sort of started to despise the female body...i just couldn't even stand the look of it! I guess i started longing for something that i coudln't have. I was sexually aware of myself already at the age of 5...i know this may shock you, but curiously enough that's true. I just watched this ballet on tv (when 5 years old) and i knew i liked those men in there...weird huh? People say that this is extremely weird.

Right...returning to my meditation now.

PS! My dear brother John, somehow i could feel you reading my blog yesterday...i just got this amazing feeling that you were reading my blog and i could sense that you were enjoying it. That makes me very happy!

Janno
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Jannokas Blog 24th of September --- Hello diary!


Jannokes Blog{September 24, 2006}
24th of September

Hello diary!

My mind is absolutely blank. I have decided not to go on about things that do not matter, but bring to the forefront what really matters. Right now I am experiencing some sort of a blockage. I just feel like there is a great big void inside of me. I feel fulfilled with things to do. I have been practising piano all day and just finished studying harmony. I think there is something big going on around me and I feel that I am not seeing it. A few days ago I started to feel differently about myself, I felt overwhelming fear and panic and I felt that I just wanted to be left alone. Being alone isn’t all that great afterwards. All the efforts I am making in life are in the end of the day meant to be shared with the rest of the people. I don’t feel enough of that sharing bit. In fact I feel that I’ve got nothing to offer this world. Everyone else are so advanced and they have hundreds of friends and people to hang out with, but I am different. Always solitary. Around people I don’t feel very safe anyways. I don’t feel that I’ve made enough bonds in life. I just can’t see the benefits of having bonds with people. I can’t be bothered to call my mom…we should really talk about some things, but I really don’t want to do it over the phone. I need face to face, heart to heart contact. Steve is busy doing his little things. There is Futurama on telly. I made a few good acquaintances in Spar (the shop where I worked), but not a single gay person that I could relate to. Straight people are ok, especially women, but I just don’t feel at all comfortable around them. It’s a laugh to work with, but in my spare time I need to be in company of similar people…other gay people…musicians would be great.

I have just activated the webcam with George from
Athens. When talking to George I don’t feel that there is much love in the air. He is gay and I am gay, but I have never had a very deep conversation with him… I have told him off a couple of times for upsetting me, but…he disappeared a little while ago and there has appeared a gap between us…also I feel like he doesn’t tell me his true feelings. He tries to project this ‘living the happy ending’ sort of image of himself…I do not accept that. That is a form of self-denial. God bless him.

 

Something wonderful is happening here, but I’m not feeling it. I don’t feel wonderful…nor am I excited about the future. I have too many worries. I’m worried about smoking too much, about over-eating, about not keeping fit enough…I just feel dirty. I also feel tired of all this worrying. I wish life could take care of these things for me. Again I’m starting to feel that I’m ugly. I just look in the mirror and I don’t see a good-looking guy there. I see this freak of nature…who shouldn’t have been born. The issues with my mother. I have got to come clean about this whole thing to her. I have no idea how I’m going to do it; I will try to be as tactful as possible. I don’t want to reopen her past pain. I just want her to hear me….how I feel, how I was hurt, how my heart was broken and trod on. I am under no illusions about how she will react. I know she will take it quite harshly…as always. But she claims to be a changed person now. Let’s see.

 

I also received a reply from John and here’s a quote from him:
In this life time I am becoming aware of the power of denial and its “negative” power to not create life, happiness joy, abundance, and peace, but rather to control, manipulate and ultimately destroy it bit by bit.

 

I think there is much information compressed together in here. First I understand that he has been through a lot of denial himself and he has also been quite the extreme case of denial. A lot of us are living in denial, but it just doesn’t seem to matter, in his case it must have been quite painful – hence the need to understand. He has dealt with this certain issue and he is bringing it to people awareness. That to me is greatness. It’s a simple task. Beauty lies within simplicity.

jannokas @ 10:36 pm [filed under DIARY No Comments »

Jannokas Blog http://jannokas.wordpress.com/

{September 24, 2006}

It’s 9:18 pm. Another quiet day. I woke up later than normal, around 3pm. Last night I had the most intense dreams from the moment I fell asleep up to the moment I woke up. I must have at least 5 different dreams with different settings and different people in them all. I can still remember how vivid the dreams were. I must have been in these exact situations somewhere on a different plane?! The first dream I can remember was with George from
Athens, we were just frolicking around and being very good friends. We did certain activities together… It was all very enjoyable. The next dream I can remember was when I departed from the George dream (somehow they were meshed together a bit) and suddenly found myself in a school diner. I can’t remember what exactly happened there, but there I met this amazing girl, whom I have never met in my life…I could have never imagined such a person!!! Somehow we ended up in a party together with her and I remember taking drugs, so I wouldn’t be too shy…then this dream ended, but it wasn’t over yet. Suddenly I was in
Tartu (my hometown), in my very familiar playing ground. It was actually an area where there were cherry trees next to a high apartment block. We used to climb these cherry trees as kids to get to the cherries… Well, anyways my brother was there and someone else that I don’t really know in person, but who felt strangely familiar. That stranger suggested we had a race! The thing was that I was supposed to borrow money from this friend of my mothers, a lady that lived on the 5th floor of the apartment block and the ‘stranger’ said let’s all (me, my brother and him) race to the lady’s door. So I knew I had to win this race…and I flew…I flew up the staircase…at last minute my brother almost got in front of me, he could fly too, but I really speeded up at the last minute!!! I got there first! I can’t remember the exact details of what came afterwards, but then the dream changed again and I was on a parade and the person leading the parade was my Solfeggio teacher from the music school… How bizarre? She was leading a whole group of girls dressed up in parade clothes…saying: left!, right!, left!, …I was standing next to this very sweet-looking cute girl…we had a chat together. My desk mate Madis was there, too, I felt very intimate with him…I felt there were very positive feelings between us. Then the dream changed again. I was with the amazing girl from the school diner again. She said to me that I shouldn’t do drugs to be extroverted. I should simply be extroverted and she also said that it’s very important that I am more extroverted, because otherwise I might become very ill… Then she put her hand on my stomach and said to me: can you feel it? I could feel this very positive energy moving around my stomach area and then she smiled looking surprised and said: wow, looks you are about to join the healers family! I realized she was a Reiki master and she knew what she was saying…I felt very happy at the end of the dream I felt like I had been finally accepted for who I am.

When I got up…I woke up in the bedroom again…I moved there around 12 am. I did a few exercises and then we went downtown with Steve. All the while when being downtown I had this realization in my mind that all the worries I used to have about my shyness are about to dissolve. I could see that the reason behind my worries was the traumatic childhood experience of living with my mother and her 1000 angry moods. I looked at people through different eyes today. I could even see people around me that seemed to have unresolved issues of their past…and I could also see that people aren’t judging me at all. They’re just there. Without any deeper understanding of how I felt inside. We had a coffee as usual. I also had one cigarette. Then we went shopping with Steve and got loads of fruit material for a smoothie. As always, while shopping I observed the people around me. Trying to imagine them with love not with panic. Every time I started feeling panic I looked around me and I could see someone that I didn’t know was there, but I could tell they had serious anger issues…how could I tell? Intuition! I realized I am an extroverted person…but the experiences I had with my mother were so painful that I started believing that there was something wrong me. I can still feel that. Every time I’m not doing something I feel as though I’m unworthy…and I get anxious. As I got back home I started practising piano, but nothing came out of scale practise…instead I started composing. I composed this brilliant piece, which is still unfinished, but I know somehow it will be useful in a future composition. So I feel upset that I didn’t practise scales. I should pay more attention to the quality of my finger’s touch. It’s very important!

I have been feeling quite ok today. No extreme panic attacks or none of that. Like right now I feel quite centred. I will start meditation now any minute. Again I am feeling cravings of all sorts – for sweets, for cigarettes… Do I feel proud of myself at this point? No…I feel that there is still so much evolving to do and quite honestly it’s making me nervous. I don’t feel very much at peace with myself. I feel that there is so much I should be doing, but I don’t know how to do it…and I don’t have the courage to do it. I feel that I should be meeting new people. Maybe I should go out to a bar? Chat with strangers…Steve is at work. I feel that there is something missing. A substance…in this writing. I feel that I am not writing about my real feelings! How do I really feel? I will meditate on this!

Now that I’ve meditated on my feelings…I have come to a very grim realization that I am not at all ok. I thought today was an ok day, but it hasn’t been ok. When meditating I could see my real state of being. I feel like there is a fist right above my head, ready to punch me if I do something wrong. And I also feel that any time for no apparent reason my mother will appear and start shouting at me… All of this is very real. I have indeed been very traumatized by the way my mother used to behave. All of this stress is on my mind all of the time. I think I must have been an extremely sensitive child. How could I even endure all the harm that was done to me? How come I’m still alive? I have felt suicidal a lot of times, but never took any decisive action…luckily…because I really wish to continue this journey. I feel that I am getting closer to my true self. Right now I feel very angry about how hard it is to keep the cool. And every meditation only brings me a little bit closer to the reality…Why does it all take so much time? Where are the answers? Where is God right now?

My stomach feels slightly heavy. This meditation wasn’t very still. I could almost cut my emotions with a knife…they were so real…they still are… I wish I could achieve a greater state of stillness. I am beginning to see more and more of the inner me. I never realized there is a life inside of me, too. In fact…I am that life…but that only sounds true in a deep meditative state.

   

Steve is about to have a bath. He is smoking like a lunatic again. I just hate it. Why can’t he freaking quit…I smoke only 3 ciggies a day…and even that makes me feel quite ill. I feel the damage in my lungs in the mornings and that is not a pleasant feeling. I feel quite guilty at the time, but I just can’t not have a cigarette with a coffee downtown. It’s such a pleasure.

There was a different guy in the ‘Coffee Republic’ today, who served me. I have had short chats with him. He’s the sort of person I can’t put my finger on. I just don’t know what type a person he is. He is nice to me. I don’t feel any negative energy form him like from this other guy…who just oozes evil…and he’s got this evil face as well! Ange was sitting on a customers’ stool…she is such a social girl. Today she looked very tired…she said she worked 12 hours in a row…excuse me? That’s horrific! I wouldn’t like to put myself in such a painful position like that. She’s always rather loud. I think she likes to be the centre of attention. She’s pleasant, there is something very mother-like about her, she seems to care!!! 1.03 am

I just had a bath. It was very relaxing. I used Steve’s razor to shave the little bit of moustache that has grown over a week and he really upset me saying that I shouldn’t have used it. He is far too possessive of his things. He goes to extreme lengths to make sure that his space is only his. That makes me feel excluded. I do not like to feel excluded. I feel that I haven’t been very successful at balancing myself today. I also feel that I haven’t learnt much at all. I would even go as far as to say…it’s been a very boring day. I feel like a sad little lonely boy and there is no hope for me. It’s hopeless… I just want to compose and compose, but I have to also learn a bit more about music. I need to find out something new. I will read about 12-tone music and I will read some music history. I composed this bit of melody today, I don’t know where it’s going to go, but I’m sure I will make good use of it. I think I’ve sort of learnt to trust my intuition, when composing. I still like to bang the piano too much and often while composing I forget to eat and even breath…I become very tense while being at it. When I invent a tune I feel that I have just get it right with the first time, but that’s impossible…because while trying too hard I even forget to listen to what exactly I’m composing. That feels like a waste of time.

I also went jogging earlier and I ran up to the Wish tower. I’m not sure how long this distance is, but it must be about 2 miles or more. There were some people there…sitting in the dark. I try to ignore them, because I hate the feeling of being watched. It’s as though they look at me and judge me and think what’s the matter with him…jogging so late?

When I took the bath I also tried to feel my body all over, but I find it quite hard today. For a moment there I do see it clearly, but then it kind of goes away…and I start thinking again. I don’t mind thinking. It’s ok, but often while thinking I remember painful experiences…that can’t be a good thing!?

I thought about Laura. My dear sweet Laura, with whom I spent some beautiful days in the nature around
Tartu. What a lovely experience!
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3/Oct/2006, 3:35 pm Link to this post Send Email to shenreed   Send PM to shenreed Yahoo Blog
 
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Healing is never just one way... A Fairy Tale... here comes the truth!


shenreed (9/24/06 9:26 pm)
Re: Healing is never just one way...

What I mean by ," In reading your blog, I don't even feel that you are really gay" is that I feel you are confused as to your sexuality and sexual preference and that you like men only by default, because you hate women (or your mother that they remind you of)

Even your dream or story of "A fairy-tale" had a very cold and unloving ending and was quite out of character with the rest of the story... In the story you express your FEAR that women are "evil"... yet you express your desire for men in what I felt was RAGE.... "I LIKE MEN.... I DON'T LIKE WOMEN!!!!" but not in those words... It's like you think that if you are gay.... then you don't have to worry about, or deal with your fear of women who you believe are evil. Men are not your natural choice, but you would rather be with men, and be gay, than face your fear and issues with women...and be happy.

You might not be aware of it but you are hiding and in fear of expressing your gay relationship in public, just as much as you are afraid to have a relationship with a woman in public. They both are fear based ..... just at the opposite ends of the denial teeter-totter....

Seeing male ballet dancers when you are five years old and "liking" them doesn't mean that you're gay, as you never had enough sexual experiences to even know what sex was at that age.... and if you did.... then that brings up a whole bunch of other stuff as to who, what, where, when, why, and how were you sexually abused before the age of five, in order to gain this sexual experience?

John
"Healing begins in the Heart"

******************************************************
I inserted the story "A fairy tale" here as it's not Janno's present blog per-say but a story he posted back in May.

Jannokes Blog {May 28, 2006} A fairy-tale

Once upon a time in a land far far away, there was a king. He was a righteous ruler - no living soul had ever a thing to complain about in his magnificent domain. Every day was a perfect bliss. When ever there was someone in need he would make sure himself would not rest until they were satisfied. Under the reign of such infinite wisdom love and friendhip blossomed.

And in the very same kingdom there was also a young boy called Johan, who was soon about to turn into a young adult. His 18th birthday was nigh and he would celebrate it with his family. Johan was a very courageous individual and other children his age considered him to be the perfect descendant of the very wise, but a very old king. The king himself did not have any children, because he carried with him a very dark secret that was unknown to any living-breathing soul other than him.

As a very young boy, the king being yet not crowned then, he became aware of some personal knowledge that he knew he could not share with the rest of his family, unless he wished to shame them. But since the truth always prevails, which the gifted king-to-be-crowned knew, he felt that he had to tell someone about it.

Meanwhile, his father, who was very ill and lay on a death bed, gathered the last of his breath and summoned his hopeful son to let him know of the ancient wisdom of their family that was carried on by all generations before them. When the youth arrived, he found his father very frail indeed. He sat down next to him on the bed, took his hand and listened. The old king then took a breath and told the youngster a story about a young girl that visited him in his dreams and that she is the secret source of the rulers wisdom. The father explained that even though she is very young and innocent-looking, she is really and ancient spirit, all-knowing and very wise. But behold coughed the old man, there will be another girl that will visit you in your dreams, she presents herself as the first girl, but she is not by far innocent, she is really and ancient evil spirit, disguised. She will also want to speak to you and show you the lands and worlds never witnessed before by a human eye. If you fall for her, she will make you wise, but she will rob you of your most valuable possession - your soul. If you have anything that is obscuring your pure conscience, tell me now, because you need to be pure at heart to face the shadow energies.

The young king being extremely overwhelmed by this pledged in fear of his fathers wrath that he had nothing to tell him. When the time came the father passed away and his coffin was placed into a magnificent burial chamber in the royal graveyard. The young king was now crowned king after his father - Karl the Magnificent II. The citizens were exceedingly pleased, because they were certain he would follow his fathers footsteps. And indeed he did. As the time passed by the new king would become only ever so much wiser and justlier. Until one day like his father had foretold, in the midst of a night he was awoken wihtin a dream by a very fragile, but a certain voice. As he lifted his head from the pillow there stood a rather short little girl dressed up in a pulchritudinous white silk dress. She called him by his name and asked him to follow her. As he got out of the bed and put on some clothes, she waited by the bedroom window. Seddenly the window sprung open and very fragrant and luminous light poured in. Then she grabbed Karl by his hand and pulled him into the light. The little girl in a white silk dress took him to places he had never even imagined. She explained to him why the world is the way it is and what is his role in this world. She also warned him of keeping any secrets from her and told him to confess this instant. The king was now very anxious as he was not sure if she was the good spirit. In fear of losing his soul he did not confess and claimed he had nothing to tell her. The little girl did not look pleased because she was an all-knowing and a very wise spirit. But she left it at that. After the journey into the unknown vthey returned and the king went back to sleep. Now another two or three decades passed by and on one particularly peaceful night the same girl showed up again. This time the little girl looked very jolly and told him that she couldn't wait to see him again, so there she was. The kings conscience was now full of years of guilt and shame and he could not keep the secret hidden inside himself anymore and he wished to confess to the little girl. He realized she might have been the evil spirit, but guilty conscience got the better of him and he told her he was gay and that he likes to suck dick not lick pussy. The little girl looked very disturbed and said: ''Oh, you !@#$ liberty! All this !@#$ hassle and you've decided to come out your friggin' closet now??? She was very pissed off, because now she had no power over him as he now owned a pure conscience that couldn't have been manipulated with. She fucked off in a puff of smoke and told him to get a !@#$ life. He showed to her the V-sign and got back into bed.

Now the king was very happy, because he did not feel bad about all them rentboys he brought back to his castle every night. He loved spoiling those little !@#$ rotten. That kept him satisfied. So that's why he did not have kids. Have you ever met a queer that can have kids? Not really I reckon. And so they all lived happily ever after. And they all fucked their own brains out every god damn night.

Period.

The end!!!

******************************************************

jannokas (9/25/06 4:25 pm)
here comes the truth!


Well sexually abused...hmm...i was sexually abused at the age of 7. I remember the experience very well. But would that make me gay??? What do you think? I doubt you could understand this, because you are straight yourself, you haven't been in the similar frame of mind. Or do you understand this?
That experience ... i don't know how to react to it. I didn't mind it. I didn't feel like i was being abused. Does that sound like a classical case of denial?
I have had sexual dreams of women and i have actually enjoyed them as well. But that's all. I have never been aroused by a female. It's true though, i dont' have even 1 such female that knows me throughout and that i can trust. Every time i try to create a bond with a female...i fail miserably, because i simply take myself out of the situation, because i get very nervous and shy around women...it's like i have to please them and keep them happy!
Well i am aware of hiding my gay relationship. I have shared it with my mother. A few stressful times ib have phoned up my mother and she has supported me and convinced me that it's ok and nothing to worry about, because she's there for me. It's a shame she doesn't kknow and understand the pain i feel because of her. And also...i have learnt that it's ok to be gay and in hiding...that's what my partner does. He is hiding form his family...he is not dealing with it all and he is not expressing it. I am at the crossroads here.

You saying that men are not my natural choice...it really baffles me. How could this be? Can you pick it up by the way i write? What is being gay then? LOL ... HELP!!!

Love you my brother!

Janno


Last edited by shenreed, 3/Oct/2006, 3:45 pm
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Jannokas Blog {September 25, 2006}


Jannokes Blog 25th of September 2006

 {September 25, 2006}
I just finished a chat with one of my ‘basic school bullies’. She is in fact the type a girl I really adore. She is a Gemini. I find Geminis very attractive. Especially the female Geminis. I am an Aquarius myself, also an air sign and I think that’s the reason we click with Reti now that we’ve calmed down and grown into adulthood. Well I used to think she was a bully. I recently found out that she felt attraction towards me instead. There was another girl, whom I considered a bully, who was Reti’s desk mate. That girl, Kadri, used to be my worst nightmare. She was always the centre of attention and somehow I knew she wanted to make me feel lower than her. That’s how I used to feel. I used to believe that I was somehow less than everyone else. A big fat zero, a big no-no, empty waste of space, useless…and the list goes on and on. I just asked Reti if she knows why Kadri hated me so much, but she told me to knock it off, there was no hate. Kadri was just young and hot-blooded. I did think of that myself, but it just didn’t feel that simple to me. Reti also said I used to be quite arrogant and rude towards everyone. My god!!!? What a revelation!? I used to think I was too shy and that’s why no one liked me. But then again…I was trying to patch up my natural shyness with arrogance, because I believed I was bad and dirty and wrong. It makes all the perfect sense now! I suffered a lot because of my mother and I was constantly stressed out about the way my mother used to feel. I used to think it was my fault that she was having difficulties in life. She even implied a few times that I was getting in the way of her life. Somehow I wasn’t supposed to be part of her life’s experience! How that angers me!!! I am FUMING with anger. How dares she??? It just doesn’t make sense to me, what possessed that woman to be so cruel? So unloving towards me. I know for a fact that she had unresolved issues with her parents, maybe the abuse she used to get as a child became so programmed into her brain that she believed it was natural to behave that way? Probably! I am quite certain that’s how it worked. She had no guidance in life herself. But I still can’t forgive her for not even trying. I do not feel that she even tried to make things better. She made suffering our lifestyle. She behaved as though it was ok. And it was not ok!

Last night I had these very peculiar dreams. In one of those dreams I actually killed someone. It was some very annoying woman, who wouldn’t leave me alone. She was winding me up in very weird ways…and I just butchered her, that’s right…butchered her! I did not feel the slightest bit of guilt about that. It felt like something that had to be done in order to rid us (all of the people that she would annoy in the dream) from that headache. And there was another dream, where I was once again in school, but it wasn’t any ordinary school that I was used to, it was different, but I knew it was an academic establishment. I was heading towards what felt like the showers and suddenly I found myself in a maze. Not just any maze…red hot flaming maze!!! And there was a lift and I knew someone was about to enter the maze through that lift door and I ran in fear and hid behind a curve inside the wall. And I watched in horror as that…human being covered in bandages (like a mummy, but it was glowing some sort of blue light) walked towards me. Fortunately it walked past me without noticing me and while it was going one way I used the opportunity to leg it and I shot the other way! I got out of the maze safe and sound. What a terrible experience! But thank heavens I’m still alive.

I think I am finally starting to drop the facades that I lived with all my childhood. It’s time to let the illusions go. Reti wants to meet up with me, but I feel very scared about that. I know I will start panicking around her and getting hot and sweating and all that stuff… It terrifies me. But I want to meet her! It’s one step closer to awaking from this dream. I have to do it. I know she is a trustworthy human being…not an animal that wants to chop my head off and devour me! She only wants to have fun with me…have a laugh! I can feel how day by day I am nearing the ‘end’ of my life of denial. I am finally starting to let go of the old fear based beliefs. I am seeing things from quite a different point of view compared to what I used to think back in basic school. In high school I was very depressed most of the time, because I was holding too much of all this pain inside of me. I actually thought it was ok to suffer…But I am becoming free of this fear now. It’s all flaking off like old skin… There are actual moments of very powerful insights, when I feel that god has blessed me with a vision, that’s when I see how I function, what is the purpose of my life. I do not regret having had a childhood as such…oh no…I know that was only a stepping stone towards who I am now!

I would like to also share this experience with you, dear diary! It was probably the first actual contact with god that I was aware of. It was in Cyprus, year 2004. I was having a great big argument with Steve over something rather ridiculous, but I’m glad it happened. At the end of the argument I realized I had nothing left to argue with him about. I suddenly felt lost. I felt like something very precious had been removed from me. I was still feeling the anger…but somehow I came to the realization that the reason why I was angry wasn’t because of Steve. Then I experienced the present moment…and there was ‘God’ on the radio singing – I’ve got you babe! Just the moment I calmed down I realized that it was God telling me: it’s ok. That was the first most miraculous realization of my young life.

The most painful thing about my mother was definitely the fact that she didn’t involve me into her life. She always let me know that I shouldn’t have been there, while she was trying to have fun. I also had this dream last night which I think was the proof of what I said earlier. In this dream I was living with my mother at home again, but this time I felt happy to be there. I felt that I was loved and accepted by her and I felt integrated into her life. An old boyfriend of my mother’s, that she loved dearly, returned to our lives, and as he stepped into the house, the first thing he did was that he grabbed me and lifted me up and hugged me and said he was so happy to see me again. He really showed his affection towards me, making me someone important in that moment, which I felt I was already, because my mother loved me. Then we all lived together. It’s such a sad thing actually…because there was no hint of my brother there! Where has he disappeared??? My brother is in just as much pain as I am…and the worst thing is …he is not dealing with it. He has integrated the pain as his own. He has really suffered a lot. He is now in prison, in France. He was far too fired up as a child. All the stress at home had a very drastic effect on him. He was way too impulsive anyways, but our mother not dealing with him…that made it even worse for him. He started stealing money and before we knew it…it had become his lifestyle. He wasn’t the kind of person to sit at home and listen to our mother cry…he wanted to do something about it. So he went and stole money to keep her satisfied. But as you can guess, dear diary, it didn’t satisfy her. I am so sad…my dear, dear brother. He is such a kind soul. When I think of him, all I can feel is his overflowing kindness. It’s a shame he hasn’t developed reason in his life. He has learnt to live by the jungle rules – might is right. And very often I felt the real meaning of that saying – he repeatedly beat me up…over something rather insignificant. I was left in a corner…crying my eyes out, because I knew there was nothing I could do. I couldn’t defend myself, because had I punched him back, that would have only added to his madness. It would have led to us both killing each other. What a terrorist!

 

1.32 am


It’s late. I have just taken a shower and I’m about to start meditation right now. I went out for a walk earlier and I sat down by the sea. I realized I’m rather switched off right now. I’m not active as a human being. It’s as though there is just nothing happening in my world. It’s not alive and nor do it want it to be, that would only put pressure on me. All my senses are off and there are just no inspirations…none. It’s unbearable. How could I ever be worth anything, when I’m so…regular…just breathing air…just…walking…just…Shouldn’t I be experiencing something wonderful right now? I still have the present moment and it only takes to look into it to feel its wonders. But … I just feel slightly unfulfilled. Like a part of me is not here. Not living it. Not having it. Not breathing it. I find it rather hard to look into myself right now. It seems so awfully boring. I know for a fact though that during testing times what seems like a ‘boring’ choice is indeed the right choice…because it’s always there and it’s always free and available to everyone. We live in an exclusive world. Only the better ones are ‘living the dream’. The rest of us will have to find our own ways in life. LOL. I like that.
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And the Truth shalle set you free....GOOD


shenreed (9/25/06 5:56 pm)
And the truth shall set you free


It's not uncommon for a woman that has been raped or kidnapped to defend her attacker and even deny that she was raped or kidnapped. A child is incapable of making rational decisions related to acts of sex, especially when it comes to dealing with an adult...

If, as a 7 year old, you were playing house with Mary and Tommy (same age) next door and you were exploring your sexuality.. that's one thing and it's normal for children as they are curious and are beginning to feel desires and urges that are unknown. Now put that same child in the hands of a kind, nice talking, candy giving sex offender and it's an entirely different situation... the man knows perfectly well what he is doing, and what he wants the child to do... but the child doesn't...Let me ask you a direct question...would you entice a 7 year old child to have sex with you, and if not... why not? What do you think might happen to the boy as he grew up? What if the boy kept this a secret all his life, how would that affect him? Why doesn't he tell his family or the police? What would happen to the adult if he told? What would happen to his parents if he told? Lots of unanswered questions. Living a lie isn't living, it's playing the game called life..

While I'm not gay nor have even been (in this life time) in a gay relationship, I've been labeled and called gay, fag and all the rest and I've been hit on by homosexuals, by old men and young boys that had been abused. In all of these experiences I felt no love present and so I was repelled by any proposition, even if I was told it was otherwise. I've also been called a woman, a fem, a she-!@#$ and related comments and have been threatened and harassed by sadistic chauvinists and rednecks. I've also been called a do-gooder, a pansy, mama's boy, preachers son, holy &*%#%^ and a host of religious and demonic titles and have even had the Catholic church try to exorcise me. Come to think about it, you name any degrading comment and I've been called it. I've had this abusive treatment for most of my life, and mainly when I expressed my intuition, emotions and feelings with my so-called friends and peers, or the grown ups that you were to respect and who were in a position of power.

As you know, I too had issues with my mother and when I began all this work I confronted her and off course she denied everything or made excuses for some of her actions and she also accused me of being in a cult and worshiping the devil etc. One day I while on one of my weekly phone calls to my mother, she asked me how I was. I told her not well and began expressing my emotions and telling her how I really felt. She stopped me and said, "Johnnie, I have to tell you that these emotions are your emotions and feelings and that I'm not responsible for them or how you feel." I thought to myself WOW! she's finally getting it... But in her next breath she tearfully sobbed and then almost screamed at me that I had no right in making her feel what she was feeling." That I wasn't the kind or loving son she had though I was and that she knew in her heart that she was right because she had been saved,,, and that my only hope was to accept Jesus as my Savior. I ended the conversation by saying that it's her same old golden rule, "do as I say, don't do as I do", and that it's no use talking to her as nothing I will ever say will change her and end her denials and that I have to focus on changing and healing myself.

I got off the phone and I then knew what I had to do, "let her go" and I also had to let go of the guilt and shame that was trying to tell me that I had to love her no matter what she did to me then and no matter what she says or does now. In other words, Guilt wanted me to love another by sacrificing myself. I went into a meditation/visualization to see how, when, where and why my mother was attached to my energy field and me to hers. What I saw and felt was beyond description and I not only let go of our attachments, but also of guilt and shame... I was free of my mothers evil hold on me....and she could no longer "feed" of me with her phoney kindness.

That was the last day I called my mother out of guilt. Weeks later, when I did call her, all we would talk about was what I call "@#%$-Chat" things like the weather, and the garden and maybe news of my brothers and sisters and relatives. There is nothing between us as no matter how I tried, I didn't and still don't feel anything when she is talking... even if she says all the right words.. they are hollow and empty...

John
"Healing begins in the Heart"

jannokas (9/25/06 8:26 pm)
GOOD!


See i thought your reply was rather funny. You made me laugh. Calling someone all these names...it's just beyond me, but then again there are all sorts of 'people' out there. I used to think that i'm imagining them, but there really are real bastards out there. It's such a shock to find that your own mother is one of them. I guess it's still quite the taboo even for a straight guy to deal with his mother. Why is that? Why does the society consdered loving men 'do-gooders' and what not.
It; seems that you have the exact same relationship with your mom (same kind of nutcase of a mom) as i do with mine. My mom can sound rather sesnsitive to how i feel at one point and next minute she takes it all away by starting callinhg me and crying on the phone and just not saying anything...and i have to figure out what is wrong with her? No explanation...only working on the guilty conscience bit. I think i've ditched the guilt about the way my mother feels. I basicalyl got so sick of it.
How did you free yourself from her energy? Is there something i wouldn't know about this?
You know another thing you said you faced your mothers phony kindness...oh how i despise that. It just makes me sick. My mother used to do that all the time and...that was definitely the one thing that really broke my heart...made me long for the real.
You said -
''But in her next breath she tearfully sobbed and then almost screamed at me that I had no right in making her feel what she was feeling''
Sounds alll too familiar to me. My gosh. I am feeling your disappointment of that moment right now...i know exactly what that feels like. . (Like there's no one else there but yourself...like you're talking to a living dead.)

Well you know don't you agree that an abuse hasn't been an abuse...if it didn't feel like an abuse. Only what affects your mental stability can be considered abuse?!? If that little boy that was abused by an adult didn't feel a thing...he looked at the action taking place with love...as though it was sent by god...i doubt that could have any serious affect. When this man showed me his 'genital area' when i was 7...i didn't mind. I was very curious to see it anyways and to even interact with it (touch) made it even more interesting. I certainly wouldn't like to have sex with a child, because i know this child might grow up and decide that it wasn't his choice to do these activities with me (see it as abuse) and because people have free will he might sue me and get me into a lot of trouble. I think it's when someone feels that their free will has been abused, when they start taking drastic action. Don't you agree?
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Wake up!!! ....Activated once again


shenreed (9/25/06 9:26 pm)
Wake UP!


So if I hear you right... you're saying that you are what you are.... "gay" by a choice you made when you were 7 years old and that you are happy with it... So if that's the truth.... why are we even having this conversation...?

WAKE UP!!!!! You are not even mentally aware and conscious of what you "sub-conscious" is trying to tell you... It's even writing it out for your blind eyes to see... You wrote.....

"If that little boy that was abused by an adult didn't feel a thing.

Read that statement and look at the "KEY WORDS" ... let me help you.... "was abused".... "didn't feel a thing" ... If that event never affected you.... and it was your choice as you say it was...then the wording would have been entirely different, but it wasn't.... and the reason it wasn't was because what happened to you.... was abuse and it did affect you.....FYI..."Didn't feel a thing" is a sure sign of shock, trauma... and denial...

You might want to go back and re-read some of our other posts and get another new look at what's already been said...

If you think that what I wrote about my personal experiences was funny and you got your "yuk yuks" from my pain, you are not the same person I was talking with before.

Are you doing drugs? There are times I'd say that you are high... and off in "La La land"... where life's a bowl of cherries and all fun and games and then you come down and start to get real..... but only for short time before you're gone again... Maybe this "flippin out" is your way of escaping from the reality that you're having a hard time facing and accepting?

Dance your dance and play your mind games and let me know when you have finished... While this is not the "same" conversation we have had before.. it is "similar"...

John
"Healing begins in the Heart"
Edited by: shenreed at: 9/25/06 9:30 pm

jannokas (9/26/06 4:18 pm)
activated once again...


Well thank you. You have once again activated me.
Ar first i wrote back to you a very angry letter, but i had a little word about things with my boyfriend and it seems that you are right about the fact that i was indeed abused as a 7 year old. I felt great fear during that moment, he (the abuser) didn't comfort me...he only told me to touch his penis. And i reluctantly agreed. My boyfriend said he can sometimes see that fear in my face...that fear of being hurt and abused again!!!

I do indeed drift off into the ''La-la land'' ... my boyfriend said to me that there are times when he can see how badly i have really been hurt and he thinks that this kind of drifting off may be a form of self-defence mechanism.

You know i started working in a convenience store about a month and a half ago and that experience (because i was constantly being pushed to speak to people and socialize) itself made me come out of my shell a little bit. The fact that i'm talking about MY problems with you...is an actual proof of some change.

You have put in front of me a very difficult challenge...i'm afraid i will continue drifting off to the 'La-la land'' all the time...and i have no control over it...i am in tears right now, because i feel like such a failure. I feel like i just can't do life...it's not meant for me.

I'm sorry that i laughed about your experience...it was not at you...it was with you...but seems that i was wrong to do that. Sorry!

 

Please forgive me if i don't understand you all the time...i feel like i have light-years of growing to do and it's all getting just too much for me.

Janno


jannokas (9/26/06 5:12 pm)
activated once again...


I have to express this as well.

I also get the feeling that you take things rather seriously. Like you are very fixed and there is no room to breath around you...you expect perfection from me.

Janno


shenreed (9/26/06 6:09 pm)
Re: activated once again...


Hi Janno,

I don't expect perfection from you.... you do.

Give yourself a BIG hug as you just made a BIG break though...You can do it.. you just proved it... and although it may seem like a baby step.. now there is no going back. Things will get tough... as you have already experienced but as you break each denial barrier life begins to unfold and the NEW you is re-born....

In your meditation, I want you to go back in time to that little seven year old boy. He is your lost fragment, the part of you that you pushed away in order to survive. It is this part of you that you have been feeling and thinking that it is the present experiences that are causing you to feel the way you do....You have been searching for love, to fill the hole in your heart.... You have believed and thought that it was another person, place or thing that would fill the emptiness inside you, but it is this part of you, that you are missing... Not that he is the only part of you that is missing, but he is the key to finding the other parts of you...

When you find him, I want you to look him in the eye and to hold his hand. Tell him that you are happy that you have found him and that you now plan to bring him back into your heart where he belongs. Tell him you need his help and that you are open to hear what he has to say. Tell him these things ONLY if you FEEL and mean them.... because if you are just saying the words and are phony... he will know it and have nothing to do with you...

He loves you dearly or he would not have gone through such extraordinary lengths to try to reach you..... Now it is time for you to reach him and to bring him home.... You heard right.... HOME... home is where the Heart is...

John
"Healing begins in the Heart"
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Jannokas Blog {September 27, 2006}


Jannokes Blog {September 27, 2006}

27th of September 1.43 am

Today we went to
Brighton with Steve to do the last bit of hopping before we leave
England. I only got myself a new top. We strolled down the streets as usual. Of course I felt very anxious again, but today I felt I had this kind of a social person mode on, I felt ok with expressing myself loudly and clearly and people looking at me seemed rather natural…I even expected for people to look at me, because I felt rather good-looking when I woke up today. Perhaps it’s a narcissistic streak in me, I don’t know. When I look in the mirror though…the face and the person that stares back at me doesn’t look like someone up to my standards. I don’t feel I own it (my reflection that is…sadly it lives a life of its own). But as we went for a coffee in the café Nero’s I started feeling anxieties again. In fact I felt like crap. I was sitting in a comfortable chair besides the window and the sun’s loving rays were stroking my face as I shut my eyes and felt my own feelings. For a moment there I got a hunch about the present moment, but it didn’t last. I feel like I have failed myself, I haven’t pushed myself hard enough. Then again…where am I pushing myself? Into the present moment? Alone? No thanks! Steve was right there next to me, but he can’t feel what I feel. He is far too grounded.

And I called my mom. The first time I called her we only had a short chat, sort of like: when are you coming to see me and all that. Then she said she was busy shopping and couldn’t talk any longer and I had to call her back an hour later. I was in a shop myself. And while shopping I was thinking about people as usual. In a public place I get rather shy and I know my face goes slightly red at times and I’m bothered about that as it’s a sign of weakness and makes me unworthy in other people’s eyes…that’s how I feel. Does it sound ludicrous? Not to me. I’m used to it. In fact I’m so used to being hurt that I am convinced any new person I meet is out to hurt me and inflict pain on me. Why? Because that’s what people do, they live off my anger. Like John for instance. One minute he makes me think that he can be trusted and that he’s in fact a friend and the next minute he calls me a drug addict, because I like to have a laugh. Well…it doesn’t take drugs to have fun and relax. It happens naturally. I trusted him. And he spat in my face. I thought I was talking to a friend. Instead I was communing with an anger-vampire. I think he lives off people’s anger. There’s a great possibility for that. Who knows what weird creatures God has created behind my back…

Phew! Got the anger bit out of the way!

I just read a reply from John and it was a lovely response this time. Not a demanding type a response, but a suggestive response. A light-hearted response, I didn’t’ feel pressure. I don’t feel so alone anymore. I wish this could last forever…somehow I know there is so much more coming towards me and I just don’t know if I can do this, if I can do life. I just don’t know. John suggested that I meditate and try and meet that 7 year old boy in me that I once abandoned in order to survive. That just makes me cry. Poor little 7-year-old me. Why did I abandon him?


And then I called my mom again as we were on our way back to
Eastbourne. The drive back is through scenic views along the
English Channel. When my mother answered the phone…she sounded so fresh and happy. I felt a lot of adrenaline rush through my stomach, while I started telling her the reason why I want to stay with her in
Finland. We decided that I stay for 2 weeks minimum. I think that’d be the least we can do for each other. She agreed and said – she’d been waiting for this moment; she said she never had a similar chance from her mother; her mother never listened to her pain. I was stunned. She was far too easy-going about this. She even said she knows what she’s done and the only way forward is to work through all the pain together. This time I have got open wounds. They hurt. My god…how much they really hurt! And to think that there is a chance for me to heal these wounds! I have been waiting my whole life for this. It promises a new start! Perhaps not in an instant, but at least soon. I am very excited and I am looking forward to it, but I am not building up any hopes. I didn’t expect such a result, but nor am I expecting any miracles. This time I want my mother to listen to me, as I have been listening to her all my life…except for these 3 years that I’ve lived independently away from her. If she was to inflict any more pain on these open wounds now…I doubt I could ever go on in life. I doubt I could survive this. I wouldn’t choose to survive this! I will die if I don’t get these problems sorted with her. Not because I will commit a suicide, but because I will just cry a river and drown in it, because I’d be too sad to swim…

 jannokas @ 12:42 am [filed under DIARY No Comments »
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activated once again...


jannokas (9/27/06 3:08 pm)
activated once again...


Thank you so much!

You know i didn't hold his hand, but as i found him i just showed him how unhappy i am without him...at first he didn't want to come home, but then when he saw how miserable i am without him...he united with me...he is now inside of me. He allso told me how he really felt during all these xeperiences. A lot of fear and panic has been ignored and undealt with there...that trauma and shock of the whole experience...i feel it can't be healed.

I wrote all of it down in my diary http://jannokas.wordpress.com/...if you read it...tell me what you think.

Janno (finally discovered my heart)
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